How Do I Get My Child To…?

For most of us parents, this question has popped up in our internal monologue at least once, if not countless times.

How do I get her to clean her room?
How do I get him to remember to take out the trash?
How do I get them to do x, y, or z?

And for us homeschoolers who don’t unschool: how do I get them to do their math/writing/science/etc.?

It wasn’t until I attended Conscious Discipline’s Summer Institute that it really clicked for me.  In a home based on parenting without punishments or rewards, getting them to do something is never the goal.  Neither is convincing them to do something.

Rather, the goal is to create an environment and relationship with them in which they choose to do x, y, and z.   They choose to do the task because it is 1) keeping themselves or someone else safe, 2) helpful, or 3) kind.

But how?

The Safekeeper Ritual

The Safekeeper Ritual from Conscious Discipline is key for our home.  It provides our children with the reasoning behind why we make nearly every choice in our family, why we sometimes ask for a task to be completed or why we occasionally say no or set limits.  

Each morning before lessons, we remind each other that it is my job, as the Safekeeper, to keep my children safe.  I remind them that keeping them safe includes their hearts, their minds, and their bodies, and that when I ask them to do something, anything, or not to do something, it almost always comes back to keeping either their minds, hearts, or their bodies safe. The children place a talisman in a box: the talisman represents them and the box represents me.  In our home, we use an old Melissa and Doug wooden tray, a little craft sand, and a couple of rocks decorated by the children. Any time I work with children in a co-op, I use this ritual, especially if the children’s parents won't be in the room with them, using gems or small wooden shapes and a box. 

Unity: We are all in this together.

Conscious Discipline teaches us that cohesive groups, like families and classrooms, thrive when they have unity.  When children feel united with their family, there are more willing to engage in activities that are helpful to the family.  Bonding with unity comes from doing activities together in which everyone is engaged, doing the same thing at the same time. At home, that can look like doing yoga together, playing games, dancing, and singing.  In our home, we do a yoga routine each morning, and playing games is one of our favorite family activities.  

Unity is also boosted when children are offered empathy.  Offering empathy can sound like, “You are angry and disappointed we didn’t get to go to the park today.  This must be very hard. It’s okay to be angry. “ Offering empathy can be a tough one, though, when your child is distraught about getting the wrong colored cup or not willing to wear a coat outside.  To us, it’s difficult to offer empathy when we don’t relate. I find myself doing a little mental eye roll in those moments. I can overcome this adult tendency of mine at times when I shift from trying to empathise with the actual feeling (not wanting the purple cup my child just asked for) to empathizing with the upset, acknowledging that I was once a child, and being upset over things that adults don’t understand is a universal child experience.  Children can’t always communicate what they actually want and get frustrated when adults don't understand. Children change their minds but don’t have the skills for how to communicate the desired change. Children experience disappointment when getting the purple cup doesn’t make them feel as good as they were hoping it would.  

Beyond the routines of daily togetherness and empathizing, creating unity hinges on the willingness of the adult to join in and teach tasks hands-on.  One of my internal mantras when I ask my children to take on a new chore is “scaffolding and support.” I really, really want to be able to say, “Empty the dishwasher”, and my child to be able to do this magically because “he’s old enough to know how.” But regardless of age, children, not just toddlers, need us to teach them how to complete specific tasks. 

This can look like teaching the child how to do the chore step-by-step, guiding them through the task, “Now let’s put all the doll shoes in this bin”, and then slowing releasing the responsibility of each step each time you do the task with the child. Chores are infinitely more tolerable when we do them together, so even once the child is capable of taking on the task independently, if everyone pitches in, the family is more unified: “It’s time to do our chores.  While you put away your laundry, I’ll put these books on the shelf for you.” Early on in the process, that can be more specific to scaffold the task, like, “While you put your socks in your sock drawer, I will…”

For more information on the Safekeeper Ritual and creating Unity in your home through the structures and routines of Conscious Discipline, go to consciousdiscipline.com

Learning Vs. Work

The language we use with children holds great power.  I first really acknowledged this power when I read Peter H. Johnston’s book Choice Words.  Johnston conducted a study of highly influential literacy teachers, and his work examines the subtle but powerful language those teachers use.  Since reading his book, I aim to choose my words carefully with children, my own and those I work with in my homeschooling co-ops. I know words, phrases, and tone hold so much power.

One critical lesson I learned from reading Ron Ritchart’s book Creating Cultures of Thinking was switching my focus, especially in my language, from “work” to “learning”.  As my child’s educator, it’s imperative I focus on what they are learning rather than on what work they are getting done. If a lesson I’ve designed and invited my child to engage with is “work”, the focus is on me, my expectations, rather than on what is valuable for us to learn, rather than on what is engaging to learn.

If I’m work-oriented as mommy-educator, my language sounds like: Get your math done first.  After you do your writing. Focus on your work. Are you finished with your work?

However, if I’m learning-oriented, I put what we are learning as the priority.  Then, the work’s value lies in how it supports us as we explore our learning goals, how it contributes to determining what we can learn next or might relearn, and how it informs us when we realize we need to learn a concept or skill in a different way.  Thus, the work is not the end result; the learning is. And then my language shifts to: It’s time to learn about fractions. What have you learned so far in this lesson? What questions do you have about this learning? 

I still have a long way to go in both my mind and my language when it comes to shifting from focusing on work to focusing on learning, but my heart is there, and I make progress each day as a mother and educator.  

For more on learning vs work philosophy and ways to create a culture of thinking in your learning environment, see the Cultures of Thinking Project at Harvard’s Project Zero.

When we find ourselves as parents and educators wondering how we get our children do something, the key is to change our goal.  Rather than getting them to do something, in effect finding ways to coerce them, the goal is creating a home or learning environment in which children are set up to see the value behind the task we are asking them to do.  I have to ask myself: If what I’m asking my child to do something that isn’t keeping them safe (their minds, hearts, or bodies), isn’t helpful to the family, or isn’t real learning, then what is the value of them doing it anyway?  Is it possible the task isn’t valuable at all?