The Power of Commitment

The other day, I felt super frustrated.  My daughter was struggling to transition back to learning after a play break, and I snapped at her verbally.  There’s that moment, right after I snap at one of the children, and I am sort of outside myself just for a second and actually hear myself and think, “Well, that sucked.” Know that feeling?  And, despite that inner voice, I sometimes feel this temptation to lean in and hold onto my pride in “being right” or “being in charge”. I have a choice in that moment to lean in to that pride, or I can stop and make a change.

Unfortunately, this time, I leaned in a bit more.  Said, “I don’t know how often I have to..” a few more times and expressed my frustration with “We need to get moving” a few more times, before I finally stopped and took a deep breath.  I can’t tell you how important that dang deep breath is. And then I owned it. “Wait. I’m sorry. I’m not breathing before I talk, am I? And my commitment is to breathe before I talk. I’m sorry.  I’m really frustrated. I’m frustrated, and I’m letting it affect the way I’m treating you. I’m going to stop right here and do some more breathing.” During our morning meeting that day, my commitment had been to breathe before I speak when frustrated, and I was clearly not fulfilling my commitment.  

Every morning, around 9:00, we have a morning meeting which includes several structures from Conscious Discipline, designed to prime our brains for learning, meet our emotional needs, and encourage us to empathize and experience gratitude.  Mornings can be very delicate times for some children. Some feel vulnerable as they are waking and anxious about what the day will bring. Some are slow to feel motivated. 

We begin with a Brain Smart Start, which includes an activity to unite, an activity to connect, deep breathing, and a commitment for our day.  Next, we participate in wishing well anyone we are concerned for (empathy) and sharing our celebrations (gratitude). One child records our wish wells and the other, our celebrations.

We often use a song from the Conscious Discipline CDs that will unite us (all of us doing the same thing at the same time) and connect us with one another (eye contact, touch, presence, and a playful situation).  We dance and sing and act silly with each other. 

During this meeting, it’s important to me that I participate in each step, including sharing whom I’m worried about during wish wells, what I’m celebrating, and what I need to commit to working on that day.

My commitments often involve the way I interact with my children:

Today I commit to taking a deep breath before I speak, especially when I’m frustrated.

Today I commit to using a calm voice and kind words, even when something isn’t going my way.

Today I commit to being present during upset rather than trying to stop upset from happening.

Today I commit to seeing conflict as a learning opportunity. 

It’s important to me that my children know that I know that I’m not perfect, that I make mistakes, and that I set goals for myself beyond my productivity.  Social-emotional regulation is hard work and by communicating how we are working on our skills (as well as acknowledging when we get stuck), we pay those skills more than lip service.  

The power of our morning meeting, however, is that it doesn’t stop at the end of the meeting.  It’s all day. It’s all the time. Throughout the day, when I slip, I acknowledge it aloud, and I try to use a lot of “I statements”.

The power of the morning meeting isn’t in just saying the commitment in the morning.  Yet, fulfilling the commitment isn’t even the crux of it, either. Fulfilling the commitment isn’t even really the point.  It’s taken me awhile to figure this out. It’s not about whether or not I succeed at my commitment. That’s not the point. It’s the talking that’s the point.  

Talking about how we hope to treat each other.  Talking about how we made a mistake and apologizing.  Talking about how we are feeling. Talking about why we are feeling. Forgiving ourselves and forgiving each other. Picking back up and moving forward, growing a little closer to our social-emotional goals. All that work is what’s really the point.  Talking through the mess that it is to be human is the point. Listening to each other as we stumble through it. That’s being a family. That’s how we edge a little closer to civility.